


Prospit Sandwiches With Alternian Fillings

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/F, F/M, Humor, Multi, Pesterlog, Threesome - F/M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-15
Updated: 2012-08-28
Packaged: 2017-11-05 10:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/405383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>EB: WHEN I SAID OKAY FINE JADE LET'S TRY TO **DISCREETLY** PUT OUT FEELERS I DIDN'T MEAN GO RIGHT UP TO HIM AND ASK HIM POINT BLANK IF HE'D LIKE TO STAR IN HIS OWN KINKTASTIC ALIEN PORNO!!!!!!!!<br/>GG: >:/ oh yes because "btw do you have a gf" totally means "hey do you wanna be the yummy filling in a twin sandwich" in normal people land. dont be a buttface, john!! >:(</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/385399">Adventures in Collaborative Storytelling</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Adventures in Collaborative Storytelling](https://archiveofourown.org/works/385399) by [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru). 



> Ideally this should only be two chapters long! Haha... ha. *eyes plotbunny hutch warily*
> 
> (shh, no one saw the messy coding.)

CG: ANYWAY, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT HAVING THE TWO OF YOU FINALLY HERE IS PARTICULARLY WONDERFUL; NO DOUBT YOU WILL PROVE TO BE JUST AS MUCH OF A PAIR OF ASSHOLE AS THE REST OF THIS ASSHOLE PARTY. AT LEAST YOU'LL FIT IN FINE.   
GG: wow thanks, i feel so welcomed. I missed you too, karkat! >:B  
CG: SHUT YOUR TRAP, I WASN'T DONE.   
CG: ... BUT IT IS CERTAINLY A RELIEF. NOW MAYBE STRIDER AND LALONDE CAN STOP WRINGING THEIR GRASPING FRONDS INTO PAINFUL AND IMPROBABLE SHAPES AND FRETTING THEMSELVES BALD.   
CG: ALSO A CHANGE OF PACE. I SUPPOSE. UNTIL EGBERT'S PRANKS GET OLD, SO APPROXIMATELY TWO DAYS IN.   
GG: pff!! X3  
CG: ENLIGHTEN ME, JADE HUMAN, WHAT EXACTLY DID I SAY THAT SEEMED HUMOROUS TO YOU? BECAUSE I CAN GUARANTEE, NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS, IT WASN'T INTENDED THAT WAY.   
GG: nothing!!! im sure dave and rose were the only ones who were worried for us :B  
CG: WELL, OF COURSE THEY WERE, TEREZI'S PET HUMAN IS RIGHT HERE.   
CG: KANAYA MIGHT HAVE WONDERED A BIT ABOUT HOW YOU GUYS WERE DOING, BUT IT WASN'T LIKE ROSE COULD TELL HER WHAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW. AND GAMZEE DOESN'T GIVE THE TINIEST CRAPLET ABOUT A GREAT MANY THINGS, YOU WILL FEEL SAD TO HEAR YOU ARE ALAS INCLUDED.   
GG: crushed! :( :( :'(  
CG: HARLEY USES SARCASM. IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE.   
GG: >:?   
CG: ... HOW CAN YOU NOT RECOGNIZE MOMENTOUS QUOTES FROM YOUR OWN CULTURE, HARLEY, HERE I WAS MAKING AN EFFORT TO INTERACT AT YOUR FEEBLE LEVEL.   
GG: oh shut up!!   
GG: i messaged you ten whole minutes ago and all youve talked about was how much you really really really didnt worry honest for real you swear, and its kind of cute and all but we could totally switch to another topic now.   
CG: YEAH, SORRY, I  
CG: WHAT.   
GG: so tell me about how your quadrants are going!! anyone up in your heart grill??   
CG: ARE YOU IMPLYING I AM ENGAGING IN DENIA  
CG: 1) WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE ALREADY. RUDE. 2) NO, HONESTLY, HARLEY, *WHAT*.  
GG: what?? I cant be wondering if one of my friends has found happiness and sexy sloppy makeouts?   
CG: ... I GUESS YOU CAN. IT'S JUST WEIRD, NO ONE EVER WANTS TO DISCUSS ROMANCE WITH ME.   
CG: EXCEPT GAMZEE, BUT HE HASN'T GOT A CHOICE, IT'S IN THE MOIRAIL CONTRACT THAT I MADE HIM SIGN IN BLOOD WHILE HE WAS STILL SOPOR-DAZED.   
CG: HE NEVER OFFERS MUCH INSIGHT BUT "DO WHAT YOUR BLOODPUSHED TELL YOU, BRO" EITHER.   
GG: aw so cute. stop dodging the question!!!   
CG: I'LL REMIND YOU THAT MOIRALLEGIANCE IS JUST AS VALID A FORM OF ROMANCE AS THE CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS. HOW COME YOU HUMANS CAN NEVER GET THAT TO STICK IN YOUR THINKPANS?   
GG: still not an answer, mister so smart i cant answer a simple yes or no question!!!! 

\----

\--ectoBiologist [EB]is online! --  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

CG: EGBERT, ENLIGHTEN ME.   
EB: hey karkat! what a pleasant surprise. long time no see. how's the wife and kids?   
CG: ... I SAW YOU IN THE LAB A HOUR AGO. THAT REPUGNANT GROUP "HUG" YOU SUBJECTED ME TO?   
CG: MY MAIN ENDOSKELETON SUPPORT COLUMN IS CRACKED IN APPROXIMATELY THREE PLACES NOW. TWO OF WHICH ARE JOHN-HAND-SHAPED.   
EB: pfff. :B  
CG: THE THIRD HANDPRINT BEING SQUARE ON MY ASS. I PRAY IT WAS ANYONE BUT STRIDER, OR I MIGHT HAVE TO CLEANSE MYSELF WITH FIRE.   
CG: BUT ANYWAY SHUT UP.   
EB: what! someone groped you??   
CG: YOUR READING COMPREHENSION IS -- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DID HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK.   
CG: IS THERE ANY REASON WHY YOUR "ECTO-SIBLING" IS ADAMANT ABOUT LEARNING WHETHER I HAVE A MATESPRIT?   
EB: ... i'll get right back to you on that. 

\----  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]\--

EB: WHEN I SAID OKAY FINE JADE LET'S TRY TO **DISCREETLY** PUT OUT FEELERS I DIDN'T MEAN GO RIGHT UP TO HIM AND ASK HIM POINT BLANK IF HE'D LIKE TO STAR IN HIS OWN KINKTASTIC ALIEN PORNO!!!!!!!!   
GG: >:/ oh yes because "btw do you have a gf" totally means "hey do you wanna be the yummy filling in a twin sandwich" in normal people land. dont be a buttface, john!! >:X  
EB: ... okay fine sorry but he's already all suspicious, lay off a bit okay.   
EB: by the way someone groped karkat during our awesome welcome home hug! it figures someone else would make a move just as we come back. crap.   
GG: ... um.   
EB: goddamn it. i was SO good at keeping it brofriendly too and meanwhile he's being nabbed right under our nose. and it's not like he's not all "romance works THIS way" already so that's already a strike against us and in favor of that butt-grabbing sneak pervert. i'm really bummed now.   
GG: :D;;   
EB: ...   
GG: >;3  
GG: > ;3  
GG: >;333~  
EB: I am beating my head against my desk now. i'll have a bruise and i'll blame you for it. blaaame.   
EB: ... how nice was it?   
GG: >:3 aw, its mean to give people spoilers.   
EB: jaaaaaaaade! :( 

\----  
CG: ALRIGHT, NOT THAT I AM NOT FLATTERED BY THIS SUDDEN INTEREST IN THE GLORIOUS CLUSTERFUCK THAT IS MY LOVE LIFE, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THERE ARE VERY FEW REASONS FOR THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING.   
GG: >:( yeah, like me caring about the answer?   
CG: JADE. PLEASE. DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY I AM IN FACT NOT STUPID.   
CG: EITHER YOU ARE FISHING ON YOUR OWN BEHALF, OR ON SOMEONE ELSE'S.   
CG: YOU HAVE BEEN IN COMMUNICATION RANGE WITH THE METEOR EXACTLY TWO HOURS AND A HALF. I WOULD BE SURPRISED IF YOU HAD TIME FOR A FEELINGS JAM, BESIDES WHICH STRIDER AND LALONDE ARE BOTH HAPPILY FLUSH-QUADRANTED.   
CG: SO THE CHOICES ARE: 1) YOU'RE INTERESTED. HA HA HA. WE WENT DOWN THAT ROAD BEFORE, YOU RIGHTFULLY SLAMMED THE METAPHORICAL DOOR IN MY TOO-DESPERATE FACE; BEING AN OPTIMIST DEEP DOWN I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HUMANS LOSE SO MANY BRAINCELLS BETWEEN THEIR SIXTH AND SEVENTH SWEEPS. 2) ORANGE FEATHERBEAST DAVE IS INTERESTED. SOME MORE HA HA HAS ENSUE, FOLLOWED BY A SCREECH OF PRIMAL TERROR AND REPULSED RETCHING. 3) JOHN IS INTERESTED. 

\----  
GG: oh crap.   
EB: what? what???   


\----  
CG: SHAME ON YOU, EGBERT. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU ROPED HER INTO ARRANGING ME A BLIND DATE WITH A SALAMANDER OR WHATEVER OTHER CREATURE YOU CAN CONVINCE TO SIT HERE AND BLOW SPITTLE AT ME, BUT IT WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS PRANK I HAVE EVER SEEN COMING FROM TWO MILES AWAY.   
CG: HILARIOUS THOUGH. MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING FROM THE SURFEIT OF MIRTH. ORGANS EVERYWHERE. WHO WILL CLEAN UP THE MESS?   
EB: uh.   
EB: haha you got me. It was worth a try? :B

\----  
CG: LET'S JUST... NOT GO ANY FARTHER DOWN THAT ROAD, JADE.   
CG: I'VE SEEN WHERE IT LEADS AND MOSTLY IT'S A LOT OF MERRY CLIFFS AND JOLLY ROARBEAST TRAPS BEFORE THE INEVITABLE DEAD END.   
CG: STOP TRYING TO BE SNEAKY ON HIS BEHALF AND LET JOHN DO HIS OWN LEGWORK.   
GG: you talk as if hes the only one who wants that!!!   
CG: ...   
CG: ... ... ... ?   
CG: I KEEP STARING AT THOSE RADIOACTIVE SUN-GREEN WORDS AND WAITING FOR THEM TO MAKE SENSE AND ALL I'M GETTING ARE BURNT RETINAS AND POSSIBLY CANCER. 

\----  
CG: JOHN, YOU EXPLAIN THIS TO ME: GG: you talk as if hes the only one who wants that!!! 

\----  
EB: AUGH JADE, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE IN ON A PRANK STOP UNDOING MY DAMAGE CONTROL!!!   
GG: I THOUGHT YOUD GROWN A BACKBONE AND TOLD HIM YOURSELF!!! SERIOUSLY I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING HERE!!!! 

\----  
\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  RIGHT NOW opened memo on board PINK MAMMALS AND THEIR DEFICIENT THINKSPONGES --

CCG: JOHN.  
CCG: JOHN HUMAN.  
CCG: EGBERT.

\----  
EB: oh shit oh shit oh shit  
GG: oh noooo. :(((((   
EB: oh well. it was nice knowing you, jade. you're the best sortofsister i've ever had.   
GG: im the only one youve ever had, buttface. :B <3  
EB: details, details. <3  
GG: maybe we should stop staring at the invite and get on that board, huh? hes not going to get more pleasant by waiting. soooo........ check your pockets for that spare spine and lets go?   
EB: bluh bluh.   
EB: Oh whatever, you're right, if we're going to die, may as well die bravely.   
EB: GERONIMO! 

\----  
CCG: COME TO THINK OF IT, HARLEY, I'M STARTING TO GET A WHIFF OF SOMETHING UNEXPECTED YET VERY UNPLEASANT, SUCH AS A DEAD SQUEAKBEAST YOUR LUSUS HAS FORGOTTEN UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS FOR THE LAST PERIGEE. OR SUCH AS YOU BEING AN EQUAL PARTICIPANT IN THIS  
CCG: ... THIS... THIS. WHATEVER IT IS. 

\-- CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo --  
\-- CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo --

CCG: NICE TO SEE YOU HAVE MASTERED THE COMPLEX ART OF POINT AND CLICK.   
CCG: EGBERT HUMAN. YOUR "PRANKSTER GAMBIT" IS ALREADY IN THE NEGATIVE FOR THIS. EXPLAIN YOUR BULLSHIT. I GUARANTEE IT CAN NOT MAKE THINGS WORSE.   
CEB: how much are you betting? :B  
CGG: favors? say youre betting favors. :333  
CCG: THE JOKE CEASED BEING FUNNY ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO. STOP BEATING IT INTO PASTE AND LET THE SCAVENGERS HAVE THEIR LONG-AWAITED DINNER.   
CCG: TO BE HONEST, I  
CCG: IT ISN'T THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.   
CEB: uh. karkat? what are you talking about?   
CCG: I KNOW PRANKING IS YOUR THING AND I SWEAR TOMORROW I'LL STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY.   
CCG: OR TAKING JADE JOINING IN SO MERRILY PERSONALLY EITHER. BECAUSE IT ISN'T. YOU'RE ... SORT OF GENETIC MOIRAILS SO OF COURSE IT'D BE LIKE THAT AND IT'S FINE.   
CEB: neither of us was trying to make you feel bad! :( this is really not a thing we were doing.   
CCG: BUT. NOT TONIGHT, OKAY? NOT WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT, AND THE FIRST ITEM ON THE AGENDA IS APPARENTLY TO PRANK KARKAT ABOUT HIS NONEXISTENT LOVE LIFE.   
CGG: are you done whining yet? :/   
CGG: good! shoosh and listen.   
CCG: HARLEY. I AM NOT WHINING. I AM LEGITIMATELY HURT. SURPRISE, FEELINGS ARE A THING I ACTUALLY HAVE. THEY ARE, TO THE ASTONISHMENT OF ALL, NOT ARMORED.   
CEB: she wasn't trying to be mean!   
CEB: aw crap, i'm sorry, karkat, this isn't what we were trying to do at ALL. shit.   
CGG: :( okay, im sorry too, but it hurts a bit that you immediately thought we were trying to prank you.   
CCG: MAYBE BECAUSE EGBERT TOLD ME HE WAS.   
CGG: because hes a stupid dumb stupidhead and hes scared of stupid things!!   
CEB: jade.   
CGG: like asking people out, like being told no thanks is worse than *pining*!!!! were not in a romance novel and pining is stupid and were gonna figure this crap out right away. 

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  has left the memo! --

CGG: ... oh noooooo.  
CEB: well.  
CEB: i guess that was worth the attempt.  
CGG: i cant believe youre speaking like that, mister john egbert, heir of breath, badassest fridge-lifter who ever armwrestled a dave.

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo! --

CEB: no, you know what, you're right! i'm not giving up here. we are going to woo the *hell* out of that surly bastard.  
CEB: ... oh. hey. karkat. uh.  
CGG: karkat?

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  is idle! --

CGG: karkat???!!   
CGG: if you dont answer in another ten seconds im gonna pop over to your room and check that you didnt knock yourself out on something. youre worrying me a bit.   
CCG: NO I'M FINE!   
CCG: STAY WHERE YOU ARE.   
CCG: OKAY, I WAS NOT EXPECTING A FLUSHED CONFESSION TODAY.   
CCG: OF ALL THE THINGS I EXPECTED THIS DID NOT EVEN MAKE THE "HAHAHA THIS WOULD BE SO OUTRAGEOUSLY RANDOM" LIST.   
CCG: ...   
CCG: JOHN?   
CEB: uh. yeah.   
CEB: this is probably the least romantic confession ever. Sorry? :B  
CCG: I DON'T KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY CONFESSED YET. WITH ACTUAL, NOT MISLEADING AND/OR CONFUSING WORDS. YOU MIGHT YET SURPRISE ME AND MANAGE TO BE ELOQUENT.   
CCG: FAILING THAT, CONCISE AND CLEAR WOULD SUFFICE.   
CEB: i like you in the way that means i want to kiss you on the mouth.   
CCG: oh.   
CEB: gently! without teeth! well maybe a little teeth if you're into that but, okay i don't know if pity and like are anything close but this is *definitely* not hate.   
CCG: ... OH. AND THIS IS WHY JADE WAS SOUNDING ME OUT FOR YOU EARLIER. IN CASE I WAS ALREADY TAKEN?   
CGG: yes, exactly. :)   
CCG: WELL.   
CCG: IT JUST SO HAPPENS I'M NOT.   
CCG: THIS DOESN'T MEAN AN AUTOMATIC YES! BUT I GUESS I AM. WILLING TO BE CONVINCED. I SUPPOSE. IF YOU INSIST.   
CEB: jade, you are not doing this to me.   
CCG: ... OKAY, WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME ANSWERING YOUR SWOON-INDUCING MASTERPIECE OF REVEALED YEARNING.   
CGG: john, dont bother, its fine!!   
CEB: hell yes i'll bother. karkat? actually, jade likes you too.   
CCG: ... I.   
CCG: THERE IS SUCH A THING AS SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF.   
CCG: MINE JUST CRASHED DOWN INTO THE ABYSS, NEVER TO LAND, ONLY TO BE TORN ALIVE, SHRED AFTER MANGLED SHRED RENT FROM ITS CARCASS BY THE JAGGED, MERCILESS EDGES OF ITS ENDLESS CLIFFS.   
CEB: she likes you in a wants to kiss your stupid little horns and feel up your butt during wholesome brohugs way. she likes you like she wants to know if you'd blush if she kissed your nose in public. she likes you like she wants to find out if you have a bellybutton. she likes you like she wants to watch your stupid movies and cuddle up on the couch and even pretend to like them because then maybe you'd smile.   
CGG: joooooooohn. DX  
CEB: say any of that is wrong. I double-dog dare you.   
CGG: ... whine.   
CGG: alright fine!! its totally a hundred percent accurate.   
CGG: im going to be really nice and not list your own, buttface.   
CEB: :B <>   
CEB: karkat?   
CCG: STILL HERE.   
CCG: NO SEARCH PARTY. I JUST.   
CCG: IS THIS A "YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE" SCENARIO  
CCG: IS THAT WHAT THIS IS  
CCG: BECAUSE I CAN'T, YOU CAN'T SPRING IT ON ME LIKE THAT, I  
CCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY MOVIES START WITH "IN WHICH TWO MOIRAILS FIND THEMSELVES WAXING FLUSHED FOR THE SAME TROLL ETC"? A TRULY ASTOUNDING NUMBER, IS HOW MUCH.   
CCG: THEY ALL GO THE SAME WAY AFTER THIS. AWKWARDNESS AND GUILT AND BROKEN MOIRALLEGIANCES, I CAN'T  
CCG: SHIT, LOOK AT ME, CAN'T EVEN FINISH A SIMPLE FUCKING SENTENCE, MY THINKSPONGE IS NOW A COLANDER.   
CCG: GOOD JOB, DERP TWINS.   
CEB: no, actually.   
CEB: this is the catch that i bet you totally saw coming! since you *always* think there's a catch coming, and bam! this time you were right.   
CEB: only there's a twist, because otherwise the plot is boring, right?   
CEB: we're a package deal.   
CEB: buy one get one free. hehehe.   
CGG: so see, the trap is already avoided! our twinhood is safe. 

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  is idle! --

CEB: welp, there he goes again :(   
CGG: :(((   
CGG: its not a joke, i swear. we both like you and  
CGG: okay its been a while! so maybe we wont like you that way anymore because we all grew up in different direction...   
CGG: but wed really like to try it, if youd let us. weve been thinking about whether we could share and not get jealous and well, maybe were wrong but we dont think we are.   
CGG: we talked about it a *lot*.  
CEB: karkat?   
CEB: are you still here?   
CCG: y  
CGG: ... um. did we break your brain?   
CCG: y obvs.   
CEB: pff hehehe <3  
CCG: <3<   
CCG: ... not really. just. bantering along. a bit.   
CEB: yeah, i gathered. :B <3  
CCG: buttwipe.   
CGG: X'D <3<3  
CEB: ZING! ouch.   
CGG: but youre still not capslocking. are you sure youre okay? we could come and check on you? :?   
CCG: >_>   
CCG: LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, HARLEY. MADE ME USE A SMILEY. FOR SHAME.   
CGG: :DDDD!   
CCG: I'LL LIVE SOMEHOW. PLEASE DO NOT INVADE MY RESPITEBLOCK. THE ENSUING PANIC ATTACK WOULD NOT BE PRETTY, ALSO GAMZEE WOULD CLUB YOU LIKE BABY BLUBBERBEASTS AND USE YOUR BODILY FLUIDS FOR A NEW MURAL.   
CCG: THINKSPONGE MATTER IS A RIGHT BITCH TO SCRUB OUT OF THOSE LITTLE GAPS BETWEEN THE WALL PANELS.   
CEB: okay, okay, no invading your space, promise. we'll be nice and proper and wait for you to invite us.   
CGG: well be super proper! the properest!!!!   
CGG: I dont think john and i can use each other as chaperone though. :X  
CEB: :B ohoho. that's a thought! i promise i'd keep a real close eye on whatever you young whippersnappers got up to.   
CGG: oh hey :DDDDDDDDDDD  
CCG: EGBERT HUMAN. HARLEY HUMAN. *NO*.  
CGG: uh oh. XD <3<3  
CEB: oh gog, this reminds me of my dad's "you're in TROUBLE, young man!" voice. UNSEXY!   
CGG: hey karkat, do you have a webcam?? I mean I know you can see us with trollians viewport thingy but can we see you as well?   
CCG: OH GOG, I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR FEATURE. ALSO, NO, YOU CANNOT.   
CGG: aw, why?   
CCG: BECAUSE I FORBID IT. OBEY YOUR GOD, CREATOR OF ALL THINGS.   
CGG: aw, but i really want to see what you look like when youre blushing! I bet youre so cute. SO cute. the cutest.   
CEB: adorrible. cuterrifying. charmidevastating.   
CCG: I WILL CULL YOU BOTH. AND THEN MYSELF, FOR THE HEINOUS CRIME OF HAVING BEEN WITNESS TO THIS EGREGIOUS FUCKERY.   
CCG: I  
CCG: DON'T SUPPOSE EITHER OF YOU FEELS LIKE BEING DECENT AND NON-PERVERTED AND FLIP BLACK FOR ME? A PAIR OF MOIRAILS FOR CONCUPISCENT PARTNERS IS A BIT AWKWARD TO JUGGLE BUT WITH THE PROPER BOUNDARIES I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT IT'S DOABLE. HARLEY, YOU WOULD MAKE QUITE A DECENT KISMESIS.   
CEB: hey! i'd make an awesome kismething too. my blackflirty advances would be terrible and fearsome!   
CCG: NO YOU WOULDN'T. AND IF I EVER GET ANOTHER BUCKET ON THE HEAD FROM YOU I AM SHOVING IT UP YOUR NOOK. BELIEVE ME IT WILL FIT, IF ONLY THROUGH THE SHEER POWER OF MY RAGE, AKIN TO A BLACK HOLE OR THREE.   
CGG: pfffffff >:333~ this is not as wordy as your usual threats, karkat! i wonder why not, i mean it cant be because now youre thinking about ... ..... johns potential nook?????!!   
CCG: %OHII((N$B AKZHB§§èy  
CGG: (though i still dont really know for sure what a nook is. is it like a vagina? cause i have one of those but john doesnt. just for your information. youll have to improvise! :X)   
CCG: __NJ_(HYVBYYYYYYYY  
CCG: FUCK YOU, HARLEY.   
CCG: FUCK YOU PLATONICALLY.   
CEB: aw, mean, jade! i bet now he's really thinking about it. ;B

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  is idle! --

CEB: um. are you *thinking about it* hint hint nudge nudge or have we broken you again?   
CGG: its just that youre super cute when youre all flustered. sorry? :((   
CEB: karkat?   
CEB: karkat, i'm gonna ask you to do something really hard now.   
CEB: lift your hands and put them on the keyboard.   
CEB: are you doing that? great! now press a key.   
CCG: ffffffffffffff  
CEB: good! very good. now another key?   
CCG: yyyyyyyy  
CEB: fy! for your... information?   
CCG: fuck... you... asshole.   
CGG: XD XD X'DDDDDDDDD <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3  
CCG: THE HORRORTERRORS BE MY WITNESSES, I COULD REALLY LEARN TO HATE YOU BOTH.   
CGG: ooo mr vantas ;3333~  
CGG: but okay well tone it down. we definitely dont hate you, sexily or not!!   
CCG: YEAH, I HAD MANAGED TO GATHER THAT IMPRESSION THE FIRST TEN TIMES YOU SAID IT.   
CGG: come to think of it i didnt really properly say it either, did i? :)   
CGG: mr karkat vantas, i like you and would very much enjoy taking you on a date some day soon. we have to figure out exactly how much!! For *science*.  
CCG: OH WELL! IF IT'S FOR SCIENCE.   
CGG: is that a yes?? :DDD  
CCG: NO.   
CGG: :'(  
CEB: welp, you kinda left yourself wide open for that one there. :B  
CGG: your mom is wide open!!!   
CEB: :'(((((((( how could you, i never had a mom!   
CCG: EGBERT, STOP EIGHT-QUIRKING, THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING ME AT A PROFOUND LEVEL. EGBERT AND HARLEY, STOP HUMANNING, THAT SHIT IS JUST PLAIN EMBARRASSING AT ANY LEVEL THERE EXISTS AND SOME THAT WERE DUG OUT JUST FOR THE OCCASION. ESPECIALLY STOP HUMANNING  
. CCG: I  
CCG: I STILL DON'T HAVE THE FAINTEST IDEA WHAT TO SAY TO EITHER OF YOU.   
CCG: THE BOTH OF YOU. DO YOU TWO HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PERVERTED  
CCG: NO, YOU PROBABLY DO. NEVER MIND.   
CCG: I CAN RESPECT THAT YOU STILL TOOK THE RISK.   
CGG: :( ??   
CGG: is that a flattered but no?   
CCG: NO, IT'S A "I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT MUST HAVE TAKEN EITHER IMPRESSIVE AMOUNTS OF BRAZEN SHAMELESSNESS OR ACTUAL BRAVERY TO BRING IT UP AT ALL."   
CCG: I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.   
CEB: so long as you don't say no offhand! I was kinda scared it'd be way too much and you'd just go urgh no and tell us to fuck off.   
CGG: are you going to talk to gamzee about it?   
CCG: THERE IS A TRULY ASTOUNDING PERCENTAGE WHICH I JUST PULLED OFF MY LEFT BUTT CHEEK THAT THIS IS INDEED GOING TO HAPPEN.   
CGG: good. <3  
CGG: (the talking to gamzee i mean, though your left butt cheek isnt that bad either ;333)   
CGG: sooo..... talk to you tomorrow? or uh whenever you feel like it, i guess.   
CCG: WE'LL SEE. HAVING TO REPEAT THE STORY TO MY MOIRAIL MIGHT FINISH THE JOB THIS CONVERSATION STARTED. CAUSE OF DEATH, BRUTAL FACIAL EXSANGUINATION. AND ALSO SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION.   
CCG: *HIS BLOOD WAS ON FIRE*, MR. LEGISLACERATOR.   
CEB: pfffff. you sound kinda tired. log out already. get your butt to bed or slime cocoon or a pile or gamzee's lap or whatever! <3  
CEB: (also stop reminding us you're blushing, that's just unfair. i'm getting all sorts of gnnnh irl over wanting to see it and not being able to. high pitched squeeing might possibly be involved.)   
CCG: EGBERT. JOHN. YOU  
CCG: I  
CCG: IT'S NOT FAIR BRINGING IT BACK UP AGAIN AND AGAIN EITHER.   
CEB: bringing what up?   
CCG: YOUR.   
CCG: CRUSH-LIKE.   
CCG: THING.   
CCG: YOU'VE PROBABLY JUST FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH OF A LOUSY ASSHOLE I REGULARLY AM. LIKELY REFORMATTED IT AS "ADORABLY QUIRKY" INSTEAD OF OBNOXIOUS AND EARFLAP-SHATTERING SOMEHOW. IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS. WE HADN'T EVEN KNOWN EACH OTHER LONG, COMPARATIVELY.   
CGG: you talk like we didnt have all those chatlogs to scroll through. <3  
CEB: haha yeah, if pixels could wear thin... man.   
CCG: NOT. HELPING. BULGEMUNCHERS.   
CCG: THIS IS AN ENDLESS SPIRAL OF MORTIFICATION BEGETTING RUTHLESS TEASING BEGETTING MORE HUMILIATION, FOREVER CLIMBING THE ECHELADDER OF KARKAT'S APOPLEXY METER.   
CGG: wow, that second half didnt even make any logical sense! its more like two different comparisons stitched together down the middle.   
CGG: you must be really out of sorts. im starting to feel bad :(   
CGG: youre right about the teasing, were sorry. were gonna make it easier on you. <3  
CGG: goodnight, karkat, sleep well <3

\-- CGG banned herself from responding to memo. --

CEB: heh, good plan.   
CEB: we'll be waiting for you to call. no nagging, promise.   
CEB: g'night! <3

\-- CEB banned himself from responding to memo. --

CCG: WAIT, I DIDN'T MEAN  
CCG: NO, FUCK, I DID.   
CCG: I WAS PLANNING TO SLAM THE METAPHORICAL DOOR CLOSED ON YOUR FACES ANYWAY  
CCG: WHY DIDN'T I?   
CCG: WHY AM I STILL TALKING TO MYSELF IN AN EMPTY ROOM LIKE AN ASSHOLE. 

\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]  74 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo --

FCG: YOU WERE HOPING I'D DROP BY FOR SPOILERS.   
CCG: NO I FUCKING WASN'T.   
CCG: I WAS TAKING A FEW MINUTES TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.   
CCG: THOUGH I GUESS NOW YOU'RE HERE YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL.   
FCG: ALRIGHT.   
FCG: SPOILER: I SUFFERED THROUGH THIS, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. HAVE FUN, GLOBEPRODDER.   
CCG: WHY DID I FOR ONE SECOND CARESS THE THOUGHT THAT FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE YOU MIGHT NOT BE A BURNING PAIN IN THE WASTE CHUTE.   
FCG: BEATS ME!   
CCG: WISH I COULD.   
FCG: YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS. :3  
CCG: WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION. IS THAT ONE OF HARLEY'S SINGLE-MOUTHED MEOWBEAST SMILIES. DEAR HORRORTERRORS AND THEIR SWEET EMBRACE, *WHY*.  
CCG: ARE YOU TRYING TO INSINUATE THAT IN THE FUTURE, JADE AND I (AND JOHN I GUESS) WILL BE ... IN THE HABIT OF SOPPILY APPROPRIATING EACH OTHER'S MOST INANE QUIRKS? OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO MESS WITH MY HEAD LIKE A TOTAL FUCKWIT UNABLE TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE PRECISELY THE CAUSE OF THAT ANGUISH YOU'RE RESENTING ME OVER???   
FCG: :3

\-- FCG banned himself from responding to memo. --

CCG: FUCK MY LIFE.   
CCG: FUCK THE ASSHOLES IN MY LIFE.   
CCG: ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO WANT TO FUCK ME.   
CCG: ...   
CCG: IIIII THINK THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO GO FIND GAMZEE. 

\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]  closed memo on board PINK MAMMALS AND THEIR DEFICIENT THINKSPONGES --

\----  
\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering gardenGnostic  \--

TC: HoNk, MoThErFuCkEr.   
GG: oh uh  
GG: gamzee, right? you werent at the welcome home party. its nice to talk to you!   
GG: i guess you want to talk about karkat?   
TC: RiGhT On mY WoOfBeAsT SiStEr. RiGhT ThE FuCk oN.   
TC: let US be HAVING some NICE MOTHERFUCKING WORDS all up IN here.   
TC: MAKE tHiNgS CRYSTAL clear and SHINY beautiful and MAGICAL SHARP with ALL those SLICY EDGES on that crystal BITCH.   
GG: uh :( okay?   
TC: YoU DiG My pAlEbRo. I CaN AlL Up aNd dIg tHaT YoU DiG My pAlEbRo. He iS ThE MoSt pItIaBlE LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKeR ThErE EvEr wAs, He rEaLlY Is.   
GG: he really is! how someone can be so adorable, i dont even know. :D  
GG: i really hope hell say yes, because we like him tons and tons  
TC: I bE AlL FoR LiKiNg yOu tOo, WoOfSiS. i lIkE EvErYoNe iN ThE WoRlD, aLl eVeN ThOsE PiNk aNd bRoWn lItTlE MaMmAlS WiTh tHeM StIcKy fInGeRs wHaT GrAb aT My pAlEbRo'S pOoR WrEtChEd oVeRwOrKeD bLoOdPuShEr.   
GG: :( is this a 'break his heart and ill break your heads' talk? i promise you its really not necessary  
TC: ShUsH, SiS. SoMe tHiNgS YoU JuSt gOtTa gEt tO Be dOiNg.   
TC: NoW lEt Me TELL YOU how THIS thing IS GoInG tO MOTHERFUCKING GO.   
TC: LET me PAINT you a GLORIOUS STORYBOOK of them INFIDEL CRIMSON images ALL UP my WALLS in that HARSH FUTURE where YOU don't FUCKING HEED THE WISDOM I AM SCHOOLFEEDING YOU. 

\----  
EB: welp.   
GG: ... gurk.   
EB: on the upside, it means karkat is considering saying yes!   
GG: on the downside im never going to want to use my ladyparts ever again. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurk. DX  
EB: ... yeah, there's that.   
EB: my legs are crossed so tight I'm just gonna start putting them down the same pants leg, i think. :(   
GG: i guess that means no ditching him at the altar! :x  
EB: shotgun wedding? only instead of a shotgun dad it's a russian roulette moirail. the roulette bit isn't about if there's a bullet, it's whether you're going to get tenderly loved in the bullet hole with broken glass or with fire ants.   
GG: guuh.   
GG: dibs on the sweet pantsuit!!!! You guys will look darling in matching wedding dresses <3<3  
EB: aw jade! why do i always have to be in a dress :(   
GG: itll be easier on your unileg. :B <>


	2. Missing Scene!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not actually chapter two. My bad. XD; That one is well-stuck.
> 
> _duosthefangirl asked :  
>  Timestamp meme: Prospit Sandwiches With Alternian Fillings, either Karkat's feelings jam with Gamzee after he logs out of the memo or Karkat talking to John and Jade the next day._
> 
> (I used a thingy to do the alternate caps for me, btw, so i have no idea if it’s exactly right but hey, it’s two years after current canon and he’d already changed it around some, so he might as well keep going. :p That’s my excuse and i’m sticking to it.)

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --

CG: GAMZEE?   
CG: GET YOUR GLUTES ONLINE IF YOU CAN, I  
CG: I KIND OF   
CG: I NEED TO  
TC: HoNk hOnK, bRoThEr qUiCkFiNgErS  
CG: PAGING DOCTOR MAKARA FOR A MOIRAIL EMERGENCY, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS ONLINE ALREADY  
CG: OH. YOU WERE HERE. HI.  
TC: WhOaAa, WhAt's aLl uP AnD TrOuBlInG YoUr tHiNkPaN, bRo, ThAt yOu aIn't eVeN DoTtInG AlL ThOsE LiL StOpSpEcKs wHeRe tHeY'Re aLl uP AnD SuPpOsEd tO FeNcE ThInGs iN? yOuR WoRdS ArE FiT To eScApE AnD ShIt, LoOk, EvEn gOt mIsSiNg oNeS AlReAdY, sNeAkNaStY MoThErFuCkErS RaN FoR It dIdN'T ThEy. Do:   
CG: YES PLEASE, LET US RAG ON MY HAPHAZARD PUNCTUATION, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT IS IMPORTANT AT THE MOMENT.   
CG: THERE, ANOTHER PERIOD FOR YOU.   
CG: EXCLAMATION POINTS OH MY SPINNING ASSGOG ! ! !  
TC: HaHa tHoSe fUcKeRs aRe rIgHtEoUsLy uPrIgHt, AiN'T ThEy.   
TC: UpRiGhTeOuS?   
CG: IF YOU ASK ME FOR AN INTERROBANG NEXT I WILL HURT YOU. JUST SAYING.  
TC: SoUnDs dOwNrIgHt kInKyLiCiOuS ;oD ThOsE ShOuTpOlEs aNd iNqUiRyHoOkS GeTtInG BaReFaCeD CuDdLy oNsCrEeN AnD ShIt, WoWzA, yOu gO ChIcA  
TC: HaVe yOu gOt yOuR KnOwLeDgE On aBoUt wHiCh iS A BoY Or gIrL In tHoSe pUnCtUaTiNg wOnDeRlAnDs aNd wHaTnOt?   
CG: I GUESS GETTING MY THINKSPONGE TO OOZE OUT IN A DRIBBLING MESS OF HIGHLY CORROSIVE IDIOCY AND BURNT OUT NEURON SOUP IS ONE WAY TO GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION.   
CG: YOU ARE THE BEST MOIRAIL, IT IS YOU, EVERYONE ELSE GO HOME, GAMZEE MAKARA HAS FIXED ALL MY PROBLEMS. *FOREVER.*  
TC: HaHa sHoOsH, yOu kNoW YoU GoT YoUr sMiLiNg oN AlL SnUg aNd tIgHt cHiLlInG UnDeRnEaTh tHaT LiL SnOuT <>   
CG: LIES AND SLANDER AND SOME MORE LIES. MY FACE IS AS CARVED INTO THE HARDEST WOOD OF A WAR MASK, INSPIRING AWE AND TERROR IN ALL.   
TC: So wHaT'S GoT YoUr fReTtInG BuZzInG On nOw, BrO? i tHoUgHt yOu wErE AlL SkIpPy bOuNcEgLeE On aCcOuNt oF FiNaLlY GeTtInG ThOsE MiSsInG MoThErFuCkErS WhErE YoU CaN GeT YoUr cLuCkBeAsT WiNgS AlL SnUg oVeR ThEm  
CG: YES WELL, I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT MORE PEOPLE WOULD MEAN MORE PROBLEMS.   
CG: NEW AND INVENTIVE PROBLEMS.   
CG: I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING YET ABOUT THE OLD HUMAN GRANDLUSUS SPRITE, AND ROSE HAS THE MEOWBEAST SPRITE WRAPPED AROUND HER ANKLES IN A GORDIAN KNOT OF PINK SPRITETAIL AND ELECTRONICAL FUR, AND WHO THE FUCK EVEN CARES WHAT THE FEATHERY ASSHOLE SPRITE IS EVEN DOING AND WHETHER IT'S FALLEN OFF THE METEOR YET.   
TC: It aIn't tHoSe rAd cOnSoRt mOtHeRfUcKeRs, Is iT? cAuSe i kInDa lIkE ThEm, ThEy'rE FuNnY As aLl sHiT :o(  
CG: ... NO IT IS NOT THE CONSORTS, WHO THE FUCK EVEN CARES ABOUT CONSORTS.   
TC: So uRr. WhO'S LeFt aGaIn?   
CG: OH PLEASE, YOU ARE NOT *THAT* STUPID. NOT EVEN YOUR IMMENSE STUPIDITY GOES THIS DEEP. IF YOU WERE A PLANET WITH SUCH DEEP SEAS OF STUPID YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY CORE LEFT, ERGO THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE AND YOU'RE JERKING MY CHAIN.   
TC: ;oD  
CG: D:<B  
TC: HaHaHaHaHaHaHa <> <> <> OkAy bRo, I'MmA PuT My sErIoUs pAlEbRo dOcToR HaT On.   
TC: do I gotta kill either of them?   
CG: HOLY CHUTE-CHAFING ASSFUCK *NO*.  
CG: WHY IS THAT YOUR FIRST SOLUTION ?!   
TC: HaHa iNtErRoBaNg gEtTiNg tHeIr fRiSkY On.   
TC: WeLl iF No kIlLiNg iS NeEdEd tHeN I DoN'T NeEd tO GeT My hArSh wRaTh oUt  
TC: LeT It cHiLl aLl nIcE AnD SlEePfUzZy iN My tHiNkPaN BaCkStAgE, yEaH? sPaRe yOu gEtTiNg aLl oVeR BrUiSeS On tHaT EpIc pApPiNg hAnD.   
CG: ... YEAH OKAY. THAT SOUNDED ALMOST SMART. I AM MODERATELY IMPRESSED BY THIS SUSPICIOUS DISPLAY OF GOOD SENSE.   
TC: OkAy bRo, NoW TeLl mE AlL AbOuT WhAt hElLaCiOuS BoThErAtIoNs tHoSe tOoThY FuCkErS HaVe uNlEaShEd oN YoU.   
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START.   
CG: I JUST THINK ABOUT IT AND MY SPONGE MATTER GURGLES AND DIES.   
TC: So dOn't sTaRt aT ThE StArT. sTaRt aT ThE MiDdLe!   
CG: THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE AND IS NOT AT ALL LIKE STARTING A MOVIE IN THE MIDDLE, BUT ALRIGHT. |:B  
CG: HARLEY AND EGBERT WANT TO SHARE ME FLUSHED.   
CG: (ALSO JADE MOLESTED MY ASS EARLIER TODAY.)   
CG: HUH. THIS METHOD DOES SEEM TO HAVE ITS ADVANTAGES, WHADDYA KNOW! I AM PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. SUCH LITTLE FUSS, SUCH CONCISE RESULTS.   
CG: GAMZEE? THIS IS WHERE YOU SAY SOMETHING BACK.   
CG: GAMZEE!   
TC: right then  
TC: IMMA KILL THEM.   
CG: WHAT?! NO YOU WON'T!   
TC: ain't no motHerFUCKING BASTARD out hEre as TAKES MY palebro for their PLAYPAIL FUCKTOY.   
TC: NOT ONE SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER.   
TC: honk.   
CG: NO NO NO!!! THEY DON’T WANT JUST SEX  
CG: SHIT, I'D HAVE NO DILEMMA TO SHARE WITH YOU IF THAT WERE IT. AT WORST DEPENDING ON THE WAY THEY PROPOSITIONED ME I'D JUST HAVE TWO ACHING HANDS FROM MASTERFUL DUAL SLAPS.   
CG: THEY WANT TO *DATE* ME. TOGETHER.   
TC: :oO  
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS EVEN WORKS OUT IN THEIR DERANGED ALIEN SPONGEBOWLS. APPARENTLY DURING THOSE THREE YEARS ALONE WITH ONLY SPRITES AND ASSHOLES FOR COMPANY THEY STARTED TAKING THAT PARADOX CLUTCH-CLONE THING A BIT TOO LITERALLY.   
CG: THEY'RE THE MOST CODEPENDENT TOO-ALIKE MOIRAILS I'VE EVER HEARD OF.   
CG: THOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT THE TITLE CHARACTERS OF "IN WHICH A PAIR OF MOIRAILS, THROUGH GREAT TRAGEDIES, DECIDE TO FORSAKE ALL OTHER QUADRANTS, AND PICK UP THEIR COMMON ANCESTOR'S CYCLE OF REVENGE AND EXTERMINATION; CULL LIST INCLUDES RAINBOW DRINKERS, REVENANTS, SUN ZOMBIES, *MOON* ZOMBIES, GAUNTS, NETHERWORLD BARKBEASTS, AND INCONVENIENT ONE-NIGHT-STAND FLUSHMATES. ALSO CONTAINS SEVERAL TERRIFYING INSTANCES OF ANGEL POSSESSION" HAD THAT CREEPY TOO-ALIKE VIBE AS WELL...   
TC: So tHoSe bRoSiS AlL Up aNd wEnT, mAn, We bOtH PiTy tHaT AdOrAbLe wReCk kArKaT AnD AlSo hIs gLuTeS ArE AlL NiCe aNd pApPaBlE As tHeY CaLl tO My gRaSpInG FrOnDs sOmEtHiNg fIeRcE  
CG: OH DEAR SWEET CONDESCE. GAMZEE IF YOU EVER MENTION MY GLUTES AGAIN I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU REGRET IT MOST EGREGIOUSLY.   
TC: JuSt cAuSe mY FrOnDs aRe aLl nAh aBoUt gEtTiNg tHeIr tRaVeLiNg oN AlL Up aNd dOwN YoUr sWeEt tOpOgRaPhY AiN'T MeAnInG My gAnDeRbUlBs uP AnD WeNt oN VaCaTiOn, BrO :oX  
CG: ... DXB  
TC: BuT BeInG PaLe aS SnOw tHoSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs wEnT AlL MoThErFuCk iT AcHeS SoMeThInG FiErCe aSkInG ThAt oThEr mOtHeRfUcKeR To gIvE Up oN SwEeT KaRkAt lOvInG  
TC: AnD ThEn iNsTeAd oF GoInG LeT'S HaVe mAd pAlE CuDdLeS AnD GeT ThE FuCk oVeR It tHeY HaD ThEmSeLvEs sOmE PeRvNaStY BrEaD-MeAt-bReAd sNaCkTiMeS NoTiOnS?   
TC: Am i gEtTiNg mY UnDeRsTaNdInG On aLl pRoPeR-LiKe, AnD ShIt?   
CG: IT'S WHAT I GATHERED.   
CG: HANG ON, LET ME COPYPASTE.   
CG: _CEB: i like you in the way that means i want to kiss you on the mouth.  
CCG: oh.  
CEB: gently! without teeth! well maybe a little teeth if you're into that but, okay i don't know if pity and like are anything close but this is *definitely* not hate._  
CG: AND THE NEXT CHUNK I AM GOING TO HAVE TO COPYPASTE WITH MY EYES CLOSED. HOLY SHIT.  
CG: _CEB: she likes you in a wants to kiss your stupid little horns and feel up your butt during wholesome brohugs way. she likes you like she wants to know if you'd blush if she kissed your nose in public. she likes you like she wants to find out if you have a bellybutton. she likes you like she wants to watch your stupid movies and cuddle up on the couch and even pretend to like them because then maybe you'd smile._  
TC: honk.   
CG: IS THAT A THOUGHTFUL HONK OR A BAD HONK OR A HONK JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT?   
TC: HONK.   
CG: OKAY THIS ONE WAS DEFINITELY A BAD HONK. GAMZEE? LATER ON SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME ON A DATE, THAT ISN'T TOO...   
CG: I MEAN I WAS SURPRISED AT HOW FORWARD SHE WAS ABOUT THE PHYSICAL STUFF, BUT THAT WASN'T ALL IT WAS EITHER.   
TC: GoTtA GeT My aDmItTiNg oN ThAt i aIn't tOo sUrE WhAt tO SaY HeRe, BrO. :o(  
TC: It wErE Me wItH TwO Of tAvBrOs i wOuLd bLeSs tHe mEsSiAhS AnD DiVe iN ThIs eXeMpLaR BaLlPiT Of rAdDeSt hOrNs aNd sExIeSt pItIfUlNeSs aNd mAmMoTh bUlGeS LiKe i aIn't eVeN NeEdInG To cHeCk fOr dEpTh, BuT YoU AiN'T Me, NoT EvEn a lItTlE BiT.   
CG: HEH, NO KIDDING.   
CG: THANK YOU FOR THAT SUPERB MENTAL IMAGE, BY THE WAY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT SHOVING A RED-HOT POKER IN MY OGLESOCKETS FELT LIKE AND ~ALAS~ I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND A POKER. BUT NOW I *DON'T NEED TO!* ***MIRACLES.***   
TC: HaHaHaHa aNyThInG FoR My bEsT BrO. <> :oD  
CG: ASSHOLE. <>   
TC: So wHaT'S YoUr bLoOdPuShEr tElLiNg aT YoU?   
CG: A LOT OF OH MY GOG OH MY GOG WHAT WHAT.   
TC: AnD AfTeR ThAt? YoU GoTtA DiVe a lIl dEePeR If yOu wAnT To gEt aT ThE SwEeT LoOt oF MyStErIoUs sPaRkLeThOuGhTs wIsDoM, bRo.   
TC: YoU AlL HaNdFlAiLy aNd rEd-fAcEd rIgHt nOw, BrOtHeR?   
CG: YOU KNOW I AM, NOOKMUNCH, DON'T RUB IT IN.   
TC: HaHa bUt iT'S SoOoO CuTe.   
TC: OkAy bRo wE GoTtA TaKe lItTlEr sTePs hErE. lIkE HaLf sTePs.   
TC: ImAgInE JuSt tHe sPaCe sIs, WaLkInG Up tO YoU AnD GeTtInG HeR MoThErFuCkInG FrOnDs wHeRe they AIN'T been INVITED.   
CG: SHOOSH, GAMZEE.   
CG: I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU MIND THE FONDLING MORE THAN I DO.   
TC: BuT WaS It nIcE FoNdLiNg, BrOtHeR?   
CG: GAMZEE!   
TC: :o) ?   
CG: ... IT WAS A HUGE SURPRISE AND REALLY EMBARRASSING BUT I GUESS I  
CG: IT WAS. A LITTLE FLATTERING? REALLY FORWARD AND I'M GOING TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND IT'S NOT HAPPENING AGAIN WITH NO PERMISSION, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK? BOUNDARIES ARE A THING THAT EXISTS!   
CG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME. YEAH. I UH MY BLOODPUSHER MIGHT HAVE KICKED A BIT THERE.   
CG: I'VE BEEN... PRETTY LONELY.   
TC: AwW. :o(  
CG: I MEAN YOU'RE GREAT WHEN YOU'RE AROUND AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN'T BE ALL THE TIME AND THAT'S FINE, AND IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE! ARGH, SORRY, STUPID TANGENT.   
CG: I MEAN, EITHER WAY IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN KISS YOU.   
TC: WeLl yOu cAn, I AiN'T Up aNd mInDiNg wHaT A BrOtHeR DoEs iF HiS BlOoDpUsHeR Is sInGiNg iTs sWeEt mArChInG SoNg aT HiM.   
TC: MiNd, ThE SlOpPy dUeLiNg mOuTh-mUsClE ThInG GeTs mE As a bIt gRoSs fRoM YoU. :o(  
TC: BuT I'M AlL Up fOr pRoViDiNg aNyThInG My bEsT PaLeBrO NeEdS! :oD~  
CG: STOP YANKING MY INTERLINKED LINE OF METALLIC CIRCLES BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE REAR FLESH CUSHIONS.   
CG: ANYWAY HARLEY.   
CG: AND EGBERT. I KNOW YOU TOLD ME TO THINK ABOUT IT SEPARATELY BUT IT'S JUST, FUCK, WHAT THE HELL JUST BROADSIDED ME THERE, AN IMPERIAL CRUISER?   
TC: HaHaHaHa jUsT AdMiT It bRo, YoU FuCkInG SwOoNeD ;oD  
CG: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.   
CG: ALSO YES.   
CG: BUT THAT'S JUST THE THING! IT'S SOMETHING OUT OF A GODDAMN MOVIE.   
CG: A KINKY ONE.   
CG: IT'S NO SECRET THAT I HARBORED A MILDLY MORTIFYING CRUSH ON HARLEY THERE AT SOME POINT. I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF IT WAS ASH OR FLUSH, BUT IT SURE WAS THERE, SO MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISED THAT MY SUPPOSEDLY CALIGINOUS INTEREST IN EGBERT TURNS OUT TO MEAN I'M APPARENTLY MAKING EMBARRASSING SQUEAKBEAST NOISES IN REAL LIFE WHEN HE MENTIONS WANTING TO FUCKING KISS ME ON THE MOUTH.   
CG: *WITHOUT* TEETH! WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS THAT MAKING ME FEEL *WARM*, I WAS SUPPOSED TO *WANT* THE TEETH!   
CG: AND NOW THAT I'VE LONG SINCE DROPPED IT, IT'S REQUITED, *TWICE*?  
CG: AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO CHOOSE? I CAN HAVE MY MOIST SUGAR-FLOWER DECORATED CONFECTIONARY AND EAT IT TOO?   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON, I CAN'T BUY THIS.   
CG: IT IS ABSURD AND PREPOSTEROUS AND IF ONE OF THEM WAS FLUSHED FOR ME THEY'D ALREADY HAVE TO BE DERANGED AND I'D HAVE TO BE BLOWING MY LEFTOVER LUCK FOR THE NEXT THIRTY SWEEPS, AND EVEN THEN THEY'D PROBABLY WAKE UP THE NEXT WEEK AND GO "MY BAD, I THOUGHT I PITIED YOU WHEN I HADN'T SEEN YOU IN A SWEEP AND A HALF BUT TURNS OUT, AS ANYONE COULD HAVE TOLD ME, YOU'RE TOO IRRITATING FOR IT -- ALAS, TOO PUNY AND RIDICULOUS FOR BLACKROM EITHER! SAYONARA, FUCKER!"   
CG: THE BOTH OF THEM? WANTING ME *THAT* MUCH?? I START WONDERING WHEN THE CONDESCE WILL DROP BY TO SAY WHOOPS, MY BAD, UP WAS DOWN ALL ALONG AND CONGRATS, *YOU* ARE THE NEW EMPRESS!!! HERE IS YOUR COMPLIMENTARY TIARA!!!!!   
TC: MOTHERFUCKING SHOOSH, BRO.   
TC: you know I ain't down with you ragging on yourself so damn much  
TC: you're a FINE TROLL and anyone gets all up in your quadrants best be DAMN GRATEFUL if they don't want to up and GET sorry.   
TC: CAUSe I coulD MAKE THEM.   
CG: AW FUCK, I'M GETTING YOU ALL AGITATED, SORRY.   
CG: PRETEND MY HAND IS IN YOUR FACE.   
CG: SHHH, YOU BIG DISASTER. I'M JUST FRETTING MYSELF INTO PIECES OVER NOTHING, LIKE ALWAYS. I'M OKAY.   
TC: AiN'T No nOtHiNg. I AiN'T FUCKING DOWN wItH GeTtInG My cHiLl oN WiTh gEtTiNg mYsElF NeW QuAdRaNt cOrNeRs, OnLy fOr tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg ASSHOLES tO SaY ThEy gOt iT WrOnG, tHeIr wAnTiNg yOu.   
TC: ThEy aIn't sErIoUs aBoUt yOu, I'MmA GoNnA GeT My sErIoUs oN AbOuT ThEm, I SuRe fUcKiNg aM.   
CG: GAMZEE...   
TC: BuT AlSo yOu gOtTa sToP RaGgInG On yOuRsElF, mOiRaIl's oRdErS. tHe wOrLd wErE A FaIr pLaCe yOu'd hAvE ThEm bOtH FlUsH AnD ThE BlInDsIsTeR AnD ThAt sTrIdEr bItCh aLl tO Be cOmPeTiNg oVeR YoUr sPaDe aNd tHe rAiNbOwSiS AnD RoSeSiS AnD FeAtHeR StRiDeR FlIpPiNg bLaCk jUsT So aS YoU CaN AsH Up aNd sOrT ThEm tHe fUcK OuT.   
TC: YoUr dIaMoNd's aLl mInE, tHoUgH, tHaT OnE I AiN'T ShArInG.   
CG: SO...   
CG: YOU REMEMBER HOW I WAS BLUSHING BECAUSE JADE AND JOHN ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS AND ALSO IMPROBABLY ENTRANCING?   
CG: YOU JUST BEAT THAT BLUSH'S RECORD.   
CG: IT IS PULVERIZED, AN EX-RECORD, NOTHING BUT STARDUST AND FADING LIGHTS FROM AN ALREADY DEAD STAR.   
TC: WhOoPs. I WaSn't mEaNiNg tO BrEaK YoUr rEcOrDs oF NoThInG, bRo. ClUmSy mOtHeRfUcKeR, mE.   
CG: I PITY YOU TOO.   
CG: NOW STOP BEING SO GODDAMN DEPRAVED ALREADY. <>   
TC: AwW, bUt i aIn't dEpRaVeD :o(  
CG: I'VE SEEN YOUR BLOCK.   
TC: :o(  
TC: NoT ThE SaMe kInD Of dEpRaVaTiOn yOu bE AlL AnD OgLiNg aT CuRiOuS-LiKe, BrOtHeR.   
TC: HoNk. ;o)   
CG: FFF. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER.   
TC: YoU'Re rIgHt wElCoMe, BrO! tHoUgH I GeT AlL InTo fEeLiNg tHaT MaYbE It aIn't bEeN AlL ThAt fAr fRoM YoUr tHoUgHtS, wAs iT?   
CG: ... SHUT UP.   
TC: HaHaHa <>   
TC: AnYwAy tHoSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs aIn't bEeN EsPeCiAlLy mAlIcIoUs sO FaR So iF ThEy fUcK YoU OvEr i gEt mY FeElInG On tHaT It'lL MoRe pRoBaBlY Be cAuSe tHeY DiDn't gEt tHeIr tHiNkInG On aLl pRoPeR AbOuT CoNsEqUeNcEs aNd sHiT.   
CG: YEAH, FLUTTERY DERP ASSHOLES AND THEIR GOD TIER FLIGHT POWERS THAT SEEM TO REQUIRE DUMPING SUPERFLUOUS ABOVE-SHOULDERS WEIGHT.   
TC: My mOiRaIlY AdViSaTiOnS ArE ThUs:   
TC: YoU GoTtA Go uP To tHeM AnD GeT AlL YoUr qUeStIoNs iN A RoW NiCe aNd pRoPeR AnD MaKe tHeM CoUgH It aLl oUt lIkE YoU'Re tHe bLiNdSiStEr aNd tHeY'Re nAuGhTy sCaLeMaTeS WhAt gOt tHeIr iLlEgAl oN.   
TC: AnD If tHeY SaY ThInGs aLl dOwN AnD WrOnG YoU GiVe tHeM A RiGhTeOuS KiCk gOoDbYe iN ThE FuNdAmEnT.   
TC: AnD If tHeY DoN'T SaY ThInGs aLl dOwN AnD WrOnG ThEn yOu pAiL ThEm a lOt.   
CG: GAMZEE!   
CG: AND ANYWAY WHO SAID I EVEN WANTED TO TRY IT IN REAL LIFE? WE HAVEN'T FINISHED TALKING ABOUT THAT ONE, PREPOSTEROUS AS IT IS.   
TC: I DiD, i sAiD, cAuSe i wAs lIsTeNiNg tO YoUr wHiSpErLy mUrMuRiNgS ThErE In yOuR ChEsThOlLoW, aNd iT SiNgS ItS SwEeT WhIsPeRsOnG Of wAnT. i cAn fEeL It aLl oVeR YoU, bRo.   
CG: ...   
CG: CHUCKLEVOODOOS ARE CHEATING, JUST SAYING.   
TC: AwW, bUt i nEeD 'eM JuSt tO KeEp uP WiTh yOu.   
CG: BUT WHAT IF THEY REALLY DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH AND IT CRASHES AND BURNS?   
TC: It wOn't.   
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THIS IS THE DERP TWINS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!   
TC: It wOn't. JuSt gEt yOuR TrUsTiNg hAt oN. :o) <>   
CG: WHY AM I GETTING WORRIED?   
TC: CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HAT ON.   
TC: but don't you worry one bit. i'mma find it for you.   
TC: HONK.   
TC: Honk. 

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: GAMZEE?   
CG: URGH.   
CG: OKAY, FINE. THANKS FOR THE HELP WITH THE QUESTIONS, BY THE WAY, THAT IS NOT AT ALL A THING I COULD HAVE USED A SOUNDING BOARD FOR.   
CG: I'M GOING TO GO AND  
CG: MAKE A LIST.   
CG: DON'T BREAK THEM TOO BADLY, OKAY? I MIGHT NEED THEM FUNCTIONAL AT SOME POINT.   
CG: JEGUS THAT SOUNDED LESS SUGGESTIVE IN MY HEAD.   
CG: <>


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